The Bucket List
by Bensidyshipper15
Summary: When Olivia and Brian recieve devastating news, they create a bucket list of all the things they want to do together.
1. Chapter 1

**Here is my new story! The first few chapters will be kind of slow, but it will get better I promise! Leave a review if you want to see more of this story soon. :)**

It had been almost 3 months of abdominal pain and constantly being tired. At first she just brushed it off; but now it has been getting worse. She had lost some weight and didn't seem to be getting better. Brian had finally convinced her to go see the doctor. A week later the doctor had phoned and said Olivia needed to come in right away so they could talk. She felt so nervous for what news she would hear.

So there they sat; in the Doctor's office waiting for him to come in. Brian held Olivia's hand; reassuring her she would be okay. The door opened and the Doctor walked in, carrying a file. Olivia took a deep breath, bracing herself for the news she would soon hear.

The Doctor sat down and opened the file laying it on his desk. He read over a few things. Olivia squeezed Brian's hand, he squeezed back letting her know he was here for her no matter what.

Olivia was snapped out of her thoughts when the doctor cleared his throat. "Olivia Cassidy. We have the results of what has been making you sick lately."

Olivia nodded, just wanting to hear what was wrong with her.

The doctor paused, then continued, "Olivia you have stage 3 lymphoma. We need start chemotherapy as soon as possible."

Olivia's eyes filled with tears. She felt like she might pass out. She had cancer. Stage 3 cancer. She should have come to the doctor as soon as she felt something was wrong.

"We would like to start tomorrow. The sooner we start the better."

Olivia nodded. She was unable to speak.

"The treatment will be strong, you will lose weight, you will be very sick and you most likely will lose your hair."

Olivia took a deep breath and nodded. It was going to be hard, but she was going to fight. The doctor told Olivia and Brian some more information about lymphoma and told them to be back here at 10 am for the treatment to begin.

The car ride home was silent. Olivia was lost in her thoughts. _Will I survive? Will I be okay? _Brian had a pained look on his face. His wife, his Olivia, had cancer. And it was bad. He had no idea what he would do without Olivia in his life. He needed her.

When they arrived at their apartment Olivia stood in the living room just thinking. She could die. Brian walked up to her and looked her in the eyes. He couldn't hold his tears back any longer. They slowly made their way down his cheeks. He wrapped his arms around Olivia, holding her tight.

Olivia hugged him back and closed her eyes, willing the tears to go away. "I'm going to be okay Brian. I'm going to beat this."

Brian nodded. "You're a fighter."

Finally they broke apart. "I have to tell Cragen."

Brian nodded and wiped the tears from her cheeks with his thumbs.

Olivia needed to tell Cragen she was sick. She was going to have to leave SVU for a while. It made her so sad to think about that.

"I don't want to do it over phone. He doesn't deserve to hear it over phone."

Brian nodded again. He knew if he spoke he would lose it.

"I'm going to go down to the precinct. It might be easier to tell everyone else at the same time."

"I'll go with you." Brian walked back towards the door.

Olivia nodded and the two drove to the precinct. On the way Olivia called Cragen to let him know they were coming and she had something to tell everyone. She was so nervous for how they would react.

Brian and Olivia walked into the precinct and went straight to Cragen's office. Olivia knocked on the door and then entered. Cragen smiled and pointed to the two chairs in front of his desk.

"I'll call in the others." Cragen stood up and called in Fin, Amaro and Rollins. They all entered and gathered around the desk.

"Brian and Olivia have some news for us."

Everyone smiled and Amanda elbowed Fin, they had a bet to see how long until Olivia announced she was pregnant.

Olivia cleared her throat and opened her mouth to speak but couldn't find the words. She looked at Brian who nodded, encouraging her to carry on.

She took a deep breath. "I uh- I have cancer. Stage 3 lymphoma. It's progressing quickly, and I start chemo tomorrow." Olivia wiped her eyes. She did it.

Amanda and Nick's faces were pale. Fin had a blank expression on his face. Cragen looked like he could cry. Cragen walked over to Olivia and hugged her. He didn't know what to say.

"You're going to fight this, Liv." Cragen whispered into her ear.

She nodded and pulled away. "So I'm obviously not going to be able to be here often."

They all nodded in understanding. "We just want you to get better."

Olivia smiled weakly. "We better get going. Work hard for me guys."

They all smiled weakly and said goodbye to Olivia and Brian.

That night Olivia was lying in bed, her stomach hurting yet again. She groaned and tried to find a comfortable spot. Brian walked in and saw her in pain again. He lay down beside her and rubbed her back.

Olivia rolled over lying close to Brian. He took her in his arms and kissed the top of her head. "I'm going to help you Liv. You're going to be okay. I believe it." Brian looked down and saw Olivia silently crying. He wiped her eyes and tried to calm her.

"The doctor made it sound like I'm not going to get better. He made it sound like it was too late."

Brian closed his eyes and held her a little tighter. He knew she was right.

"I'm scared Bri." She whispered.

"Me too, Liv." He finally admitted he was scared. The doctor had made it sound really bad and scary; but if there was one thing Brian knew about Olivia, it was that she was a fighter. And she wouldn't go down without a fight.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Some of this stuff may not be totally accurate, but thats okay bc its a fanfic. Please leave a review and I'll update ASAP :)**

"Liv, wake up." Brian gently pushed Olivia's shoulder. "Wake up babe. We have to go soon."

Olivia groaned and looked at the alarm clock. It was 8:13 am. Her first chemotherapy treatment began at ten. She sighed, already dreading it.

Olivia stood up and walked into the bathroom to get herself ready. Brian remained in the bed and rubbed his forehead. He couldn't believe this was happening. Olivia didn't deserve this.

An hour later Olivia and Brian were finishing their breakfast. They ate in silence. Neither of them could talk. It was almost an awkward silence. Just as Olivia was about to stand up, her cell phone started ringing. It was Cragen.

"Cassidy."

"Hey Liv. I just wanted to wish you luck today. You're going to be fine. I can feel it."

"Thanks Captain."

"I also want you to know that if you ever need help or support or anything, I am always here. I'm also positive that the others will be here also. You don't be afraid to ask."

"Thank you. I will ask when I need it. I appreciate it."

Olivia heard a voice in the back. "I got to go Liv. I'll talk to you later."

"okay, bye." Olivia hung up the phone and set it on the table.

Brian looked at her. "Its 9:30. We should probably go."

Olivia nodded and slowly stood up. She wished she could run away from this, but she is sick. She needs treatment.

Brian and Olivia put their coats on and walked out to Brian's car. They silently drove to the hospital.

Once they arrived at the hospital Olivia told the receptionist she was there and she and Brian seated themselves in the waiting room. Brian took Olivia's hand in his and gently squeezed it. Olivia looked over to Brian and sadly smiled. They looked into each other's eyes until the doctor called Olivia's name. Brian and Olivia stood and followed the doctor into a room.

The doctor pointed to a chair and Olivia sat down.

"Ok Olivia. We are going to insert the needle into your arm that will have the chemo." The doctor and the nurse prepared the needle and the chemo.

"Okay, this might hurt." The doctor warned as he found the vein in her arm. Olivia grabbed Brian's hand and squeezed as the needle entered her arm.

"Okay so treatment will last about two hours. You may feel tired or nauseous. There is a pail behind your chair if you need it. Also pillows are over there." The nurse pointed to a cupboard.

Olivia and Brian both nodded. "I'll be back soon to check how it's going." The doctor checked one last time to be sure everything was working properly then left.

Olivia leaned back in the chair, still holding Brian's hand. Brian lifter her hand to his lips and softly kissed it. "You are strong Olivia."

Olivia felt tears filling her eyes. She never thought this would happen to herself. A few tears slid down her cheeks.

"Hey, hey, hey. Don't cry." Brian wiped her tears away. "You are strong. You will beat this."

Olivia sighed. "I sure hope so Brian."

An hour later the doctor came and checked everything and to see how Olivia was doing. She told the doctor all was well. The doctor told her she may feel sick soon and then left again.

No more than ten minutes after the Doctor left Olivia began to feel nauseous.

"Brian."

"Yeah?"

"I need that pail." Olivia threw her hand to her mouth and Brian quickly jumped up and grabbed the pail. Just as he put it under Olivia's mouth she emptied her stomach into it. When she felt she was done she leaned back in the chair moaning.

Brian called the nurse in who took the pail to clean it out.

Brian rubbed Olivia's back and moved the hair out of her face. "You're okay."

"I don't know about that." Olivia sighed and closed her eyes.

The doctor and the nurse came back an hour later and told Olivia she was done for the day. They took the needle out.

"Okay we want you back here in exactly one week. We want to get three treatments in before we check your progress, so every week we will see you for the time being. In the next while you will begin to feel some of the side effects of chemotherapy. This may include nausea, which you've already experienced, fatigue, not wanting to eat and pain where the needle was. There may be more but these are most common."

Olivia cleared her throat. "What about um- h-hair loss?"

The doctor nodded. "That is a side effect but not until a little later in the treatment process."

Olivia nodded; relieved she wouldn't be losing her hair just yet. Brian and Olivia finished speaking with the doctor and left. Brian helped Olivia into the car; she was still quite nauseous and tired.

When they arrived at their apartment Brian helped Olivia get settled in bed and brought a pail in just in case she needed it. He sat with Olivia until she fell asleep.

Brian was cooking supper later that night. He wasn't sure if Olivia would be up to eating later, but he was cooking enough for her anyway. Olivia's cell phone sitting on the table began to ring. Brian picked it up and saw Cragen's name on the screen.

"Hello?" Brian answered.

"Brian? It's Don Cragen."

"Hi Cragen. What do you need?"

"I just wanted to see how Olivia is doing."

"She's asleep right now. She is already sick after just one treatment."

Cragen sighed into the phone. "Do you think she'll be up for visitors tomorrow? I have some detectives here who miss her."

Brian softly chuckled. "Yeah, I think she will be okay with that. She'll be tired but I know she misses you guys too."

"Okay, well we will see you tomorrow then."

"Sounds good, bye." Brian hung up Olivia's cell phone and walked into the bedroom to check on Olivia.

Brian walked in to see Olivia vomiting into the pail beside the bed. Brian rushed over to her and held her hair back and rubbed her back.

Olivia coughed and wiped her mouth, slowly lying back onto the bed.

Brian sat on the edge of the bed and held her hands in his. "Is it okay if your squad comes for a visit tomorrow? They want to see you."

Olivia nodded. "I want to see them. But I am just so tired and nauseous. They won't be staying long."

Brian nodded in understanding. "Get some rest." He leaned forward and kissed Olivia's forehead. He took the pail out of the bedroom and cleaned it out.

Brian sat at the supper table eating alone. Olivia made it very clear that she was not hungry and would not be eating that night. Brian had made her drink some water, but he wouldn't force her to eat. He knew she was tired and just wanted to get some sleep.

Tears filled Brian's eyes. It was only the first day of Olivia's fight and it was already draining them both. He held back a sob, thinking that this horrible disease could take his wife from him. Brian pushed his plate away from him and rested his head on the table, sobbing. He needed to be strong for Olivia, but he needed someone to be strong for him. He didn't want to think about life without Olivia, but when he hears the word cancer, he thinks of death. He knew many people survive cancer, but he also knew many died. He prayed that Olivia would be one that survives.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Chapter three is here! I kind of had tears in my eyes while writing this. Please read and review. I love hearing feedback from you all :)**

Three weeks later Olivia had gone through two more chemotherapy treatments. She had been feeling worse and worse. She hadn't seen her squad for two weeks and she really missed them. Olivia hadn't lost her hair yet, and she was hoping she wouldn't lose quite yet.

Over the past couple of weeks Olivia had been getting out of breathe quite easily. She hadn't mentioned it to her doctor yet, but her check up was tomorrow and Brian told she had to tell the doctor then.

Olivia woke up that morning to Brian's side of the bed empty. She heard the TV on in the living room and figured he was having his daily coffee. Olivia felt somewhat better today. It was the best she had felt in a long time. She slowly climbed out of the bed and walked into the bathroom for a shower.

As Olivia was showering and washing her hair she began to feel the water pooling around her feet. She looked down and gasped. Chunks of her hair were plugging the drain. She quickly shut the water off and jumped out of the shower. She grabbed her robe and put it on then walked over to the mirror.

She looked sick. Very sick. Her face was pale. You could see she had lost weight. And now her hair was thin. She ran both her hands through her hair and gasped; a handful of hair was in each hand. Olivia let out a sob. She didn't realize that losing her hair would be that hard.

She heard a knock on the door. "Liv? Are you okay? I thought I heard crying."

Olivia couldn't answer. She let out another sob.

Brian opened the door and walked over to Olivia. "What's wrong?"

Olivia lifted her hands and opened them; revealing her hair.

Brian frowned and looked at Olivia.

"Bri can you get your hair clippers?" Olivia held back her tears as best she could.

Brian nodded and slowly walked out of the room. He re-entered carrying a shopping bag and the electric hair clippers.

Olivia plugged in the hair clippers and faced the mirror. She hand Brian the clippers and nodded. Brian took a deep breath and began to shave Olivia's head. Olivia sadly watched as her hair fell to the ground around her. _It's just hair. It's just hair. It'll grow back. _No matter how many times she told herself that it didn't make it any easier.

When Brian finished he set the clippers on the cupboard and watched sadly as Olivia took in her new appearance.

Olivia cautiously reached up and touched her head. She took a deep breath. She now looked like she had cancer. And she hated it.

Seeing the sadness in Olivia's eyes, Brian reached for the shopping bag. "Liv, during your last treatment I bought this for you." He opened the bag and pulled out a teal blue scarf.

Olivia sadly smiled. "Thank you."

Brian handed the scarf to her and tied to around her head. She was still insecure about not having hair, but it showed that she was a fighter. And that is what she would do. Fight.

A few hours later Olivia laid on the couch watching TV while Brian was out getting groceries. Olivia was just about to fall asleep when her cell phone began to ring.

"Hello?"

"Hey Liv, it's Cragen."

"Hey."

"I just wanted to see how you are?"

"I feel better today than I have for a while."

"That's good! Do you feel up to visitors?"

"Yes actually. Why don't you all come by tonight?"

"We will for sure. See you tonight Olivia."

"See you." Olivia hung up the phone and soon fell asleep.

Olivia woke up to the sound of Brian in the kitchen. Olivia was to weak to stand, but she wanted to know what he was doing. She slowly pulled herself to her feet, out of breath once she was on her feet.

Brian saw Olivia trying to catch her breath and he ran over to her. "Olivia lay back down. You need rest."

Olivia nodded while coughing. "Cragen and the squad are coming over tonight."

Brian nodded. "Sounds good. Do you feel up to eating tonight? I made soup."

Olivia thought about it and then nodded. "Just a little bit though."

Brian nodded and went to get Olivia her soup. He came back and helped her sit up to eat it. Olivia's hands were shaky, so Brian held the bowl while she ate. Olivia ate almost the whole bowl and pushed it away. Brian put the bowl on the side table and helped Olivia lay back down.

"Brian I'm really cold." Olivia began shivering.

Brian walked into their spare bedroom and grabbed a fluffy blanket for her. He re-entered and covered her with it, making sure she was warm. She nodded once she was comfortable and he walked into the kitchen to do the dishes.

An hour later there was a knock on their front door. Brian opened it and greeted Cragen, Amanda, Fin and Nick. They all said hello and entered the Cassidy apartment.

"Where's Liv?" Amanda asked.

"She's on the couch. She was napping, but she might be awake now."

They all followed Brian into the living room. Olivia was just waking up as they entered.

"Hey guys." Olivia's voice was raspy.

They all looked at Olivia sadly. Last time they saw her she looked much healthier. She hadn't shaved her head last time they saw her. She wasn't pale and thin the last time they visited.

"I know your all thinking it. I shaved my head this morning. It just kept falling out."

They all nodded. They knew it would happen at some point.

"Tomorrow is your check up?" Nick sat on the coffee table in front of Olivia and took her hand.

"Yeah. I hope all is going well."

Olivia started breathing heavily and began having a coughing fit. She couldn't really catch her breath.

Brian quickly got Olivia some water and brought it to her. He helped her sit up and drink the water. When she was finished he helped her lay back down.

Not wanting to talk about what had just happened, Olivia asked how things in SVU were going. They all talked for a while, like no one was sick. Olivia was grateful for that.

The next morning Olivia and Brian sat in the doctor's office waiting for him to enter with Olivia's progress report. He entered and said hello to Olivia and Brian.

"So you have had three rounds of chemotherapy."

Olivia nodded.

The doctor looked down then looked up, trying to make eye contact with Olivia. "Well, the results we got back today are not what we had been hoping for."


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: i cried writing this. Please review for more :)**

"_Well, the results we got back today are not what we had been hoping for." _

Olivia sadly looked at the doctor, silently urging him to continue.

"From what we can see there hasn't been much of change. There is also a possibility it could have spread."

Olivia wiped her eyes. She hated to admit it, but she was scared. What if the cancer had spread?

"We will run a test and we will know within the next 2-3 days whether the cancer has spread or not."

Olivia nodded. They took some of Olivia's blood and told Olivia to take it easy and they would call with the results. Olivia was scheduled for more chemo in 3 days.

The drive home was another silent drive home. Other than Olivia's coughing the whole way home, Brian and Olivia didn't speak.

When they arrived at their apartment Olivia walked into the bedroom and changed into her pajamas. She was feeling sick again. Just as she was turning around to climb into bed she walked right into Brian's open arms. He enveloped her in a hug. She hugged him back and laid her head on his chest. They stood like that for a few minutes. Olivia felt so calm in his arms.

Olivia was about to release him when she felt his tears soaking through her scarf and his body beginning to shake. He was trying so hard not to sob.

"Brian, it's okay." Olivia felt tears filling her eyes. Brian never cried.

"I can't lose you." He whispered it quietly, but Olivia could hear the sadness in his voice.

"I'm not going anywhere Brian."

They remained standing in eachothers arms until Olivia became out of breathe. She was breathing like she had just ran a marathon.

"You forgot to tell the doctor about your breathing issues." Brian helped Olivia into bed and then got into bed himself.

"I know. I'll tell him on Thursday." Olivia's eyes were growing heavy. Brian continued talking, and she fell asleep to the sound of her husband telling her how much he loved her.

It was 2:19 am when she woke up.

She sat straight upright and couldn't breathe. She had one hand on her chest and was trying to catch her breath, but she couldn't. She felt a pain in her chest. She started crying; partly from fear and from the pain.

Brian heard Olivia struggling to breathe and quickly woke up. "Olivia. Say something"

She shook her head and continued to fight for air.

Brian was panicking. He quickly grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911. He took Olivia's hand in his a reassured her it would be okay.

The 911 operator answered.

"My wife. She-she has cancer and she can`t breathe."Brian was panicking. Tears were streaming down his face as Olivia continued fighting to catch her breath. She was beginning to grow faint from the lack of oxygen.

Brian finished the call and hung up the phone. He kept reassuring Olivia that she was going to fine.

In the distance Brian could hear the sirens approaching. Olivia was still trying to catch her breath, but she was becoming weaker every second. Not wanting Olivia to be pain for much longer, he scooped her up into his arms and ran out of the apartment to meet the ambulance. He hadn't realized just how much weight Olivia had lost until he was carrying her.

Just as Brian went through the lobby, the ambulance pulled up and two paramedics jumped out of the back. Brian burst through to door, holding a very week and nearly unconscious Olivia.

"Hey! Help her. Please help her." Brian began crying watching as the loaded Olivia into the back of the ambulance. He climbed in after the paramedics and held Olivia`s weak hand all the way to the hospital.

Once they arrived at the hospital they rushed Olivia away from Brian. Brian paced the room, scared of what news he would hear in the near future. Figuring it could be a while, Brian decided to call Cragen and let him know what has happening. He had made a promise he would keep Cragen up to date on Olivia.

He dialed Cragen`s phone number and hoped he picked up.

"Captain Cragen." He sounded very tired.

"Cragen it`s Brian." His voice cracked when he said that.

"Brian. What happened? Is it Olivia? Is she okay?" Brian could hear the panic in Cragens voice.

Brian took a deep breath. "Olivia- um. She woke up in the night with severe chest pains and she couldn't breathe. It`s bad Don. Really bad." Brian was crying now. He was sitting in a chair in the corner, crying.

He could hear that Don was holding back tears over the phone. Brian knew that Don loved Olivia like a daughter. "I am coming down to the hospital."

"Okay." Brian and Cragen finished their conversation and Brian hung up. He was growing anxious. He wanted to see Olivia now. He needed to know that she was okay.

20 minutes later Cragen walked in and saw Brian sitting with his head in his hands.

"Any word yet?"

Brian looked up at Cragen as he sat down. "No. Nothing yet. It has been an hour!"

Cragen frowned and looked at the floor. He felt sick to his stomach.

15 minutes later the doctor walked into the waiting room. Brian and Cragen rushed over to him.

"Is she okay?" Brian just wanted hear that she was okay.

"Let`s go into my office so we can talk in private."

Brian and Cragen both felt nervous. It couldn't be anything good if they needed privacy to talk with the doctor.

"Have a seat." The doctor gestured to the two chairs in front of his desk.

Brian and Cragen sat down and braced themselves for whatever news they were about to hear.

"Olivia told me after we figured out the problem that she had been having difficulty breathing for a while now. I wish she would have told us as soon as it started. It`s not looking too good now."

"What is wrong with her?" Brian unsuccessfully held back his tears.

"Olivia`s cancer has spread to her lungs. It isn't looking good. We have her on chemo and oxygen right now."

Brian let out a loud sob and put his head in his hands. He felt Cragen put a hand on his shoulder. He looked over and Don was also crying.

"Can we see her?" Don asked the question that Brian was desperate to hear the answer to.

The doctor nodded. "She is in pain, and she is very weak and very sick. She is worse than she was before, and it shows in her appearance."

Brian and Cragen sadly nodded. The followed the doctor down the hall to Olivia`s hospital room.

When they entered the room they saw Olivia leaning over the side of the bed vomiting onto the floor. She leaned back into her bed with her eyes closed; not even noticing the people in the room.

Brian`s eyes filled with tears seeing her like this. She was so sick and he couldn't do anything. She was so pale and sick looking it hurt him.

The doctor called in a nurse who began cleaning Olivia`s vomit. Brian walked over to Olivia and sat down in the chair next to her and took he hand. Cragen leaned against the back wall, trying to compose himself.

"Hey beautiful." Brian smiled at her through his tears.

Olivia tiredly opened her eyes. "Hey." Her voice was quiet and raspy. She sounded really sick.

"The doctor said the cancer spread to your lungs. Thats why you couldn't breathe."

Olivia nodded. "I know. I am just glad I can breathe again." She pointed to the oxygen tank beside her. She had oxygen tubes in her nose, which was helping her breathe.

Brian smiled sadly. "You are going to need that all the time now."

Olivia`s eyes closed and she sadly nodded. She rubbed her temples with her hands. "I feel so nauseous."

Brian held her hand and reassured her she would be just fine.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: well this chapter is sad and a lot of you may be mad. But that is okay because it is my fanfic. Please leave a review if you liked or disliked this chapter :) **

* * *

><p>Cragen sat in his office watching three of his four best detectives visit in the squad room. It almost seemed empty without Olivia. Everyone missed her. Olivia was still in the hospital two days after they found the cancer in her lungs. She had told Cragen to tell Nick, Amanda and Fin because she couldn't do it. He still hadn't told them, and he didn't know if he would be able too.<p>

He stood up and walked to the door. Deciding he was finally going to tell them. He opened the door. "Detectives. A word please." He walked back into his office followed by Amanda, Fin and Nick. Nick closed the door behind himself and they all stood in front of Cragens desk.

Cragen stood behind his desk. He looked at the detectives in front of him, not knowing how they would react.

"What's going on Captain?" Amanda could tell by the look on his face he was upset.

"A couple nights ago Olivia woke up in the night unable to breathe. She passed out just as the ambulance arrived. Brian called me and I went to the hospital. Before we could see Olivia her doctor wanted to speak with us. Olivia's cancer has spread to her lungs. It isn't looking good. She said she was having breathing issues for a while but she didn't really tell anyone. If she would have said something, things would be looking a lot better." Cragen sat in his chair rubbing his forehead. He felt like it just hit him. He just realized how very sick Olivia is.

Amanda wiped tears from her eyes. Nick didn't show any emotions. Fin stood there, looking deep in thought. He suddenly turned around and walked towards the door.

"Fin. Where are you going?" Cragen stood up.

"To see Liv." He answered as he opened the door and made his way out.

"Me too." Amanda quickly left to catch up to Fin.

"Make that three." Nick followed Amanda and Fin out to the car. The three made their way to the hospital to see Olivia.

* * *

><p>Olivia was asleep in her hospital bed. She has about 4 blankets wrapped around her. She was always freezing. Brian sat in the chair beside her bed watching a TV show. He actually wasn't watching the TV. He was thinking about how tired and sick Olivia was. It broke his heart to see her like this. And it scared him too. He knew the doctors had doubts. He knew Olivia herself had doubts. As much as he hated to admit it, he also had his doubts. He prayed every day Olivia would get just a little bit better. It almost seemed as though she got worse every day.<p>

Brian heard a knock at the door and looked up. Fin, Amanda and Nick quietly walked in.

"Hey guys." Brian shut the TV off.

"How is she?" Fin looked at Olivia sadly. She looked so small and sick. Even in her sleep she looked in pain.

"She is a fighter. She sleeps almost all the time."

They all nodded sadly. They talked quietly with Brian for 20 minutes. They were just about to leave when Olivia began to wake up.

She groaned softly and rolled onto her side. Brian walked over the side of her bed and took her hand. "I'm here Liv."

"I feel nauseous." Her voice was quiet and raspy.

Brian quickly grabbed the pail and slowly helped Olivia sit up. Just as she was sitting up she emptied her stomach into the pail. Brian rubbed her back and took the pail from her once she finished. He left the room, leaving Olivia alone with her squad.

"Hey Liv." Fin took the chair Brian was sitting in.

"Hi guys." She lay back down on the bed and began to cough.

"Cragen told us the cancer spread. Liv, we are here for you." Nick sat at the end of her bed.

"Thanks Nick. I just hope I can get out of here soon."

"I hope you can too. Maybe when you get out we can all go for coffee or something." Amanda stood at the foot of Olivia's bed.

Olivia nodded. "I would like that."

Olivia visited with her squad for a few more minutes before they had to get back to work. They exchanged goodbyes and wished Olivia the best and let themselves out.

Brian walked back in shortly after with the doctor. Olivia opened her eyes when they entered.

"Hello Olivia. How are you feeling?" the doctor checked her IV and her oxygen.

"A little better. I was wondering when I can go back home?"

"Well you do seem to be doing a little bit better. I think tomorrow sometime you should be able to go."

Olivia nodded. She wanted nothing more than to be in the comfort of her own home.

"Is the chemo working?" Olivia had made it very clear to her doctor that she wanted the truth about everything. If she was dying, the doctor was to tell her she is dying.

"Well your lung cancer is still the same as we just began fighting that a couple days ago. Your lymphoma seems to be getting better than it was. That is a good sign."

"Thank you." The doctor left the room and soon Olivia fell back asleep.

* * *

><p>THREE MONTHS LATER<p>

Olivia and Brian sat in the doctor's office waiting to hear Olivia's progress report. They were both nervous. It had been 5 months of very hard chemotherapy and sickness. Olivia just wanted to know if she was getting better and how much longer she would have to deal with it.

The doctor entered the room and said hello to Olivia and Brian. He sat down at his desk and opened the file and sighed.

"Olivia."

She looked him in the eye. She could tell what he was about to say wasn't good.

"The chemo was working. But it isn't working very well anymore. Olivia, you are going to die because of the cancer."

Olivia felt Brian grab her hand and squeeze it. Tears filled her eyes. She was dying.

"How long?" her voice cracked as she said it. She couldn't believe what she had just heard.

"With aggressive chemotherapy, this will make you very sick again, about a year. Without chemotherapy you won't be very sick. Maybe not even sick at all. But without chemo I would say about seven to nine months."

Olivia heard Brian trying to hold back a sob. She was also trying not to break down.

"I'll give you two a couple days to discuss whether or not to go ahead with the treatment. Just call and then we can schedule an appointment once you know what you would like to do."

They nodded and thanked the doctor and stood to leave. They slowly walked out of the hospital, Olivia pulling her oxygen tank behind her. Brian helped her get into the car and lifted the oxygen tank into the car. He walked over to the driver's side and got in.

The whole ride home no one talked. They couldn't talk. Olivia had just found out she was dying. Brian had just found out his wife was dying. Olivia looked over at Brian. Tears were steadily flowing down his cheeks. Olivia looked at him sadly. She felt it was all her fault she was dying. She could have gone to the doctor sooner and she might be okay. But she hadn't. And that would be the biggest regret of her life.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I wont be able to update for a while so here is a longer chapter! Please feel free to leave a review. :) **

* * *

><p>That night Olivia and Brian were trying to fall asleep. Neither could. Their lives and just been turned upside down. They hadn't yet discussed what to do. Brian wanted Olivia to get the treatment. He wanted her to have a chance and be with him longer.<p>

"Brian?"

Brian reached over and turned on the lamp. "What's wrong?"

"I don't want the treatment, Brian." Olivia was crying. It was a hard decision, but she knew she couldn't take more treatment.

"Liv. Why?" tears were threatening to spill over his eyes. He couldn't believe she had just said that.

"I am going to die with or without the treatment. I don't want to be sick and miserable until I die. I have so much I want to do before I die and if I get the treatment I will be too sick to do anything. I can't go through another year of that Brian."

Both were crying now. Brian took Olivia's hand. "I want you to get the treatment, Liv. What if the doctor was wrong? What if you do well after another year of treatment?"

"No Brian. You heard the doctor. Nothing is changing. It isn't getting better."

Brian put his head in his hands. "I can't lose you."

Olivia softly sobbed. "I don't want to leave you. But I am dying, Brian. I am. If I don't get the treatment, we can spend our time together and make memories. If I do get the treatment I'll be sick and miserable and I will be asleep most of the time and most likely in the hospital. Now do you understand why I do not want to get the treatment?"

Brian nodded. He knew he was being selfish. "So no treatment?"

"No treatment."

* * *

><p>The next morning Olivia decided she should tell her squad what was happening. She had an appointment with her doctor that afternoon, so she and Brian were having the squad over for supper.<p>

"You ready to go, babe?" Brian was standing by the door, waiting for Olivia.

"Yes." She walked to the door, pulling her oxygen tank. Brian opened the door and let her go through first. They walked to the elevator and then made their way to the car.

Once they arrived at the hospital, Olivia's doctor was ready for them. A nurse brought them to his office and they seated themselves in their usual spots. A couple minutes later Olivia's doctor walked in and made his way to his desk.

"Hello Olivia. Brian. Have we made a decision?"

"Yes. We have decided together that I am not getting treatment." Olivia exhaled. She felt okay with her decision.

"Okay. I will still want you to come in for checkups. Not quite as often though."

Olivia and Brian nodded.

"I wish you two the best. I want to see you here again in a month."

"Thank you. See you then." Olivia and Brian stood up and walked out of the office. Before Brian started the car to drive them home, he turned to Olivia and leaned over and kissed her.

"You're beautiful."

Olivia blushed.

He softly smiled and began to drive away. "Now what?"

She smiled and took his right hand. "We make the best of what we have left."

They smiled at each other and began their journey to their home.

* * *

><p>Later in the afternoon Olivia was napping in their bedroom, still tired from her previous chemo treatment. Brian was in the kitchen finishing their supper for themselves and the squad. He decided to make Olivia's favourite meal, chicken fettuccine and garlic bread.<p>

Moments later there was a knock at the door. Brian opened the door revealing Cragen.

"Hello Brian."

"Hi Captain, come in."

Cragen entered and stood by the kitchen as Brian was finishing cooking.

"I can't wait for everyone to get here. Olivia is going to be shocked when she wakes up." Brian smiled. Olivia's birthday was next week and he had wanted to do something special for her. But when she suggested inviting her squad over for supper, Brian had an idea. He was going to make it into a little birthday celebration for her and invite more than just her squad over. He knew she would enjoy it.

"Me too. She hasn't talked to a lot of people other than myself, the squad and you since she got sick. She is going to be surprised." Cragen walked into the living room and seated himself.

Twenty minutes later all the guests had arrived, but Olivia was still fast asleep. Brian hoped she would wake soon. Of course he had invited Cragen, Fin, Amanda and Nick, she was expecting them. It was the other guests Olivia would not expect to see. Rafael Barba was among the guests. He had been busy with work that he really hadn't spoken to Olivia much. Brian knew she would be glad to see him there.

Alexandra Cabot happened to be in New York this weekend for a conference and managed to get a couple free hours. When Brian had called her, she had no idea Olivia was sick. Brian hadn't told anyone Olivia was dying, they decided to do that together.

Casey Novak was also present. She and Olivia haven't talked for a year, but she did know that Olivia was sick. She kept in contact with some people in the squad still and they had told her.

Melinda Warner was one of Olivia`s closest friends. Brian had been sure to invite her. Melinda was so worried ever since she found out Olivia was sick. Tonight was the first time she would see her, and she was nervous to face her. She felt like she should have helped her out more.

John Munch had left SVU a while ago. He and Olivia had kept in touch. But shortly after she got really sick they had lost contact with each other. John loved Olivia like a sister, he was thankful that Brian had invited him to see Olivia.

The one person Brian wasn't sure he should invite at all was Elliot Stabler. Elliot and Olivia had lost contact for a year, but then they had bumped into each other at a grocery store and began talking again. They often went for coffee or to get lunch. Brian knew Olivia didn't tell Elliot that she was sick. When he had called and had to tell Elliot himself, it was hard. That was the first time Brian had ever heard Elliot Stabler cry.

"I might go wake Olivia." Brian stood up and began to walk to the bedroom. Before he could take another step the door opened and Olivia walked out, pulling her oxygen tank. She had a purple bandana tied around her head, a black blouse and jeans on. She had also done her make-up.

Brian walked to her and kissed her cheek. "You look beautiful Olivia."

"Thank you." She smiled.

Brian quickly covered her eyes with her hand. "I have a surprise for you."

Olivia lightly laughed. "Will I like it?"

"I am sure you will." The two slowly made their way to where their guests were waiting. Brian still had Olivia`s eyes covered. He motioned for them to be quiet.

"Okay. Are you ready?" Brian turned them slightly so Olivia was facing everyone.

"Yes!" she was feeling anxious. She just wanted to know what was going on.

Brian uncovered her eyes and Olivia gasped. She saw her squad and all her old friends from work. Alex was the first one to go hug Olivia.

"Liv I`m so glad to see you. I`m so glad your okay."

Olivia released her. "Thank you, Alex. I missed you."

Olivia let everyone else hug her, she thanked them all when they said they were glad she was okay. The last person she hugged was Elliot Stabler.

"Liv. I`m really glad you're ok."

"Thank you, El." She released him and turned to the kitchen. She hadn't had much of an appetite the past few days because of her last treatment, but she suddenly felt very hungry.

"Can we eat?" she turned to Brian.

He was somewhat shocked she had asked to eat. "Of course." Everyone sat down and ate; they all visited just like old times. Olivia was grateful that everyone could act normal and treat her normal.

An hour later everyone had exchanged stories, some funny, some sad. Olivia felt like now was the time to tell them what was happening to her. There was no easy way to say it, or a good way to say it. But they all needed to know.

"Hey, I have something I need to tell you all." Olivia said loud enough for everyone to hear. Everyone grew silent and turned their undivided attention to her.

"I had a doctors appointment a few days ago. He gave me some news that-well, its hard. I am dying." She exhaled slowly. There. She had said it. Everyone`s faces went pale. Cragen looked down, holding back his tears. Elliot turned away and covered his eyes. Alex, Amanda and Casey did nothing to hide the fact that they were crying.

"The doctor said that with treatment it would be a year. Without, he guessed around seven to nine months." She wiped her eyes. There wasn't a dry eye in the room.

"You are going to get the treatment though. Right?" Casey looked at her hopefully. Everyone looked at her. Waiting for her to say, _Yes, I`m getting the treatment. I am not going to give up and let cancer win._

She shook her head. "I`m not getting the treatment."

Everyone was silent. You could have heard a pin drop it was so silent. Everyone was shocked, angered that Olivia was sick with this horrible disease. Angered that she wasn't going to get the treatment. Sad that she was giving up.

"Why the hell not?" Elliot was angry. Not only at the disease, but also at Olivia. He hoped she had a damn good reason to not get the treatment.

"Because Elliot. I am _dying. _I am going to die with the chemo. I am going to die without the chemo. I am going to die either way. I cannot go through treatment again just to die in the end. It isn't worth it. I do not want to be sick and miserable and in the hospital until the day I die. I have so much I haven't done yet that I want to do and if I get the chemo I won`t be able to do any of it. So I am not getting the treatment."

Everyone was silent. As much as they hated to admit it, she was right. She would be very sick and miserable if she got treatment. They knew how hard it would be. She didn't deserve to go through that until she died.

No one could say anything. It was an awkward silence. John stood up to speak. Everyone expected him to say something he would regret.

"I am proud of you Olivia. You are so strong and so amazing. You are fighting two cancers at one time. Your decision not to get the chemo is brave. I am proud that you are strong enough to say no to it and live your life to the best."

No one said anything. Cragen started clapping. "We are proud of you."

Everyone was clapping for Olivia`s decision, despite their sadness they were proud that she was brave and not letting it keep her from doing things she wants.

* * *

><p>Later that evening Olivia and Brian were again, trying to fall asleep.<p>

"Olivia."

"Yes Bri?"

"I love you. So much."

I love you too."

"What do you mean when you say there is so much you want to do?"

"I have always been focused on the job. I never had time to live. I will never be a mother now. I will never do a lot of things because of this. It`s my biggest regret Bri; letting the job take over my life. I can`t let cancer completely take everything from me. That is why I cant get the treatment. I have to go do the things I have always wanted to do before I die."

"You mean like a bucket list?"

"Exactly. A bucket list."


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: updating again because I wont be able to for a week or so. Please read and review, love hearing feeback from you guys. Thank you all! :)**

* * *

><p>Brian woke up the next morning to Olivia's side of the bed empty. He almost always woke up before her. He stood up and walked out of the bedroom and into the living room in their small apartment. He looked over and saw Olivia sitting at the kitchen table writing something. He walked over and sat across from her.<p>

"What are you writing?" Brian reached over and took a bite of Olivia's blueberry muffin.

Olivia looked up at him. "My bucket list."

Brian sadly smiled. "Can I see it?"

Olivia nodded. "I just finished it. I know it is short, but these are some of the few things that I can still do and have always wanted to."

Brian read through the short list. He wanted to do all of this for Olivia. He will do this all for her. She deserves it.

"I know you are probably thinking about price. I have all my life savings and my mom left me money when she died that I have never touched."

Brian nodded. Price wasn't what he was worried about. Time is what he was worried about. He knew without treatment Olivia wouldn't very sick. But she would be run down as time moved on.

"When can we start?" Brian looked at her. He had no idea when they would start these "adventures"; as Olivia had them labelled at the top of the paper.

"Well I called yesterday while you were in the shower and I managed to book us flights and hotel rooms for next week. We are going to Paris." She smiled. She had always wanted to go on a romantic vacation to Paris. And now she was.

Brian laughed softly. "I can't wait."

She smiled at him.

He looked at her serious, "Did your doctor give you the okay to leave?"

Olivia frowned. "Yes he did. But can we not talk about doctors, and chemo and cancer and dying? I want to focus on what we are going to be doing to make memories and enjoy our time left together. Not what will eventually happen."

"I am sorry Olivia. I didn't mean to upset you." He stood and walked over to her kneeling in front her.

She looked at him from where she sat in the chair. "It's fine. I just don't want to focus on the negatives when there are positives we can look forward to. Like going to Paris."

"I agree." He took her hand and lightly kissed her knuckles. "What would my beautiful wife like to do today?"

"Honestly I just want to stay home and cuddle with my handsome husband." She leaned forward and softly kissed him. He smiled against her lips. She pulled away and stood up. She went to reach for her oxygen tank to pull it behind her, but Brian beat her to it.

"I'll take it." He pulled the oxygen tank and walked beside Olivia to their bedroom.

"Bri your so amazing. I love you so so much." He helped her get settled comfortably into the bed. He walked around the bed and lay down on his side. He pulled Olivia closer to him and held her close.

"I love you Olivia. You have no idea how much."

She turned in his arms so she was facing him. She leaned her forehead against his chest. "Brian I want to you to promise me something."

"What's that?"

"When I- when I die. I need you to not- I don't want you to grieve for a long time. I don't want you to stay in the past. I need you to move on. Go and live your life. I want you to know that I do not want you to be depressed or- or not move on. Eventually I want you to find someone else. I want that for you."

Brian felt tears filling his eyes. He knew that that had been hard for her to say to him. He didn't know what to say. "Liv. I'm never going to be able to get over it. I love you. Because you want me to move on I will, but I will never be over it. And I don't know if I will be able to love someone else. I love you more than anything. More than you will ever know."

Olivia silently cried. "Brian please promise me you will move on. I need you to promise me that. Please."

Tears were streaming down his face. He nodded. "I promise. I promise, Liv."

She nodded and closed her eyes. "Thank you. And I love you more than you will understand. I will always love you, Brian Cassidy."

The two held each other. Not speaking. Nothing. Just silence. Olivia reached up and wiped her eyes. She was emotional thinking about how much other people are affected by her illness. It made her upset to think about it. If only she had went to the doctor as soon as she felt sick. Maybe she would have beat cancer. Maybe she would be doing a lot better. Maybe her lungs would be unaffected. Maybe she would be able to breathe without the help of an oxygen tank. There was so much she could have prevented if she would have went to the doctor right away. But she hadn't. She always told herself she was fine. But the truth was she wasn't. And she was paying the consequences.

"Olivia."

"Yeah?" she sniffed and looked up at Brian.

"Do you want to go out for supper tonight? I want to take you to that restaurant we went to for our first date."

Olivia smiled. "Yeah. We haven't been there in a year. Let's go there."

Brian smiled and sat up, pulling Olivia up with him. Brian took a shower and got dressed and Olivia put on make up and a flowy blue dress she had bought last summer. They made their way to the car and went to the restaurant. The restaurant that Brian took Olivia to for their first date and their engagement night.

* * *

><p>The restaurant wasn't to busy when they got there, so they got a table right away. They ordered their drinks and soon ordered their food. They ate and talked amongst themselves. Laughing and enjoying their themselves. Olivia felt the happiest she had in a long time. Every once in a while she would catch Brian staring at her.<p>

"What?" she blushed when she saw him looking at her. He still made her feel butterflies in her stomach. She loved that.

"You're just so gorgeous. How did I get so lucky?"

She laughed softly. "I love you."

"I love you too."

They leaned across the table and softly kissed. When they broke apart, together they whispered to each other;

"I love you."


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: An update because I had major feels. Thank you to all who leave reviews and favourite and follow this story, it means so much to me! Thank you all :)**

* * *

><p>Brian woke to the sound of Olivia franticly rummaging through the drawers of their dresser. He looked at the alarm clock, it was 5:27 am.<p>

"Liv, what are you doing its 5:30 in the morning?" Brian sat up and rubbed his eyes.

"We leave for Paris tomorrow. I woke up and realized I have no idea where my passport is. I need to find it." She closed the drawer she had just finished searching and quickly opened another.

"Liv. I know where your passport is."

She shut the drawer loudly and turned around. "Where?"

Brian chuckled. "It's with mine in the kitchen on the table. I put them there last night because I knew you would be wondering where they were."

Olivia sighed in relief and walked back to the bed; oxygen tank in tow.

"I can't even believe that we are going to Paris tomorrow. I have always wanted to go there with you." She slowly got into the bed and covered herself.

Brian pulled Olivia closer to him. "Me too. It's going to be amazing." He kissed her cheek and held her in his arms. He never wanted to let go of her.

"Night Bri." Olivia yawned and laid her head on his chest.

* * *

><p>Olivia woke up a few hours later in the bed alone. She was leaving the bedroom and saw Brian sitting at the kitchen table with his coffee; crying. She slowly walked over to him.<p>

"Bri, what's wrong?" She sat in the chair next to him and held his hand.

He wiped his eyes. "Last night I had a dream. I woke up in the night and you weren't breathing. I couldn't get you to start breathing. Then when I woke up from the dream and I checked to make sure you were okay. It hit me. That in a few months I could wake up to you not breathing. That scares me, Olivia."

Olivia wiped tears from her eyes. "I'm not going anywhere right now. I am here." Brian stood up and pulled Olivia into his arms. They stood in each other's arms for a while. Neither of them wanted to let go; both were scared to let go. They didn't want to lose each other.

"I am kind of hungry." No more than ten seconds after Olivia said that her stomach growled loud enough for them both to hear.

Brian chuckled. "I'll make some eggs."

Olivia nodded and went to lie down on the couch, suddenly feeling very tired. Brian fried him and Olivia an egg and made a toast for each. He set the table and walked over to Olivia.

"Liv. Breakfast is ready." He sat on the couch next to her. She was sleeping.

Brian gently shook her. "Liv."

She groaned and sat up.

"I made our breakfast." Brian stood and pulled Olivia up. She followed him into the kitchen and sat down; inhaling her food. Both Brian and Olivia were happy she could eat more. She looked a little better since she could eat without getting sick right away.

Brian and Olivia visited and watched TV throughout the rest of their day. Olivia loved days like this; days when she and Brian could be alone and stay at home.

* * *

><p>At 6:30 their alarm clock sounded. Their flight to Paris leaves at 9:00 am. Both of them got up. Each taking a shower. While Brian took his shower Olivia attempted to move their bags to the door. It wasn't easy for her; she had her oxygen tank. It was always in the way. She had only made it halfway across the apartment with Brian's suitcase and she was out of breath. She wished that she didn't have this problem. She leaned against the wall, giving herself a break. When she felt she was okay she tried again.<p>

As she walked through the kitchen her oxygen tube got caught on the arm of the chair. She didn't realize it had gotten caught until it was pulled out of her nose. Olivia instantly began gasping for air. She couldn't take a step. She is afraid she wouldn't be able to breathe at all. She continues gasping for air. The oxygen tank had fallen to the floor and the oxygen tube was underneath it. There was no way she could lift it up.

Olivia began to panic. She was feeling light headed from the lack of air. She heard Brian leave the bathroom. She tried calling to him but her voice was too quiet. She needed Brian. She slowly slid to the floor and pulled the chair the oxygen tube had gotten caught on down. It just missed her and it hit their hardwood floor with a loud noise.

"Liv?" Brian walked out into the hallway in his robe. "You okay, babe?" He walked into the living room and looked around. He looked into the kitchen and saw Olivia lying on the floor; her oxygen tank on the floor on top of the oxygen tube. Olivia had a hand on her chest; fighting to catch her breath. Brian ran over to her and quickly picked up her oxygen tank and handed her the tube. She quickly put it back into place and breathed in deeply. Once she caught her breath, Brian helped her to her feet.

"What happened?" Brian held her hand, he looked at her worriedly.

"I was trying to bring our bags to the door and my oxygen tube got caught on the chair. I dropped my oxygen tank and the tube got pulled off my face." She hated to admit it, but she was scared. She had never taken her oxygen tube out, so she didn't know how bad her lungs really are. This had scared her.

* * *

><p>A few hours later Olivia and Brian were sitting on a plane headed to Paris. Olivia could hardly contain her excitement. She squeezed Brian's hand and smiled at him. He squeezed it back and smiled.<p>

"I love you." Before she could answer him he leaned and kissed her. They pulled away and looked into each other's eyes.

"Did I ever tell you how beautiful you are?" Brian held her hand and smiled at her.

"You may have mentioned it." She softly laughed. "I love you too."

* * *

><p>After what had felt like days they had finally landed in Paris. Olivia and Brian retrieved all their luggage and called a taxi. They arrived at their hotel and checked in. Olivia was already in love with this city.<p>

Olivia walked over to the window of their hotel room. She gasped. "Brian!"

Brian dropped the bag he was carrying. "What?" He quickly went to her.

"I am fine. Look!" She pointed out the window and smiled. Brian looked out the window and smiled at the sight in front of him. They had a perfect view of the Eiffel tower.

"It's so beautiful here." Olivia looked out the window. She couldn't get over how much she loved it. She couldn't believe she was actually in Paris.

Brian wrapped his arms around Olivia's waist smiled. He was glad some of her dreams were finally coming true.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: I cried writing this chapter. Please leave a review and I will try to update as soon as possible. :) **

* * *

><p><em>Four months later <em>

* * *

><p>Olivia sat on the couch. The pain in her stomach was getting worse. She had been pain free and not sick at all for four months. She knew it would be coming but she didn't think it would have been this soon. She looked over at Brian who just entered the apartment.<p>

"Hey. Are you okay?" Brian put his phone on the counter and took his jacket off. He walked over to Olivia and sat beside her.

She shook her head; her eyes filled with tears. "My stomach is starting to hurt again." She covered her hand with her mouth. She didn't want to cry, but she knew she was going too. This scared her.

Brian's face turned pale. He swallowed hard. They both knew that the cancer would be worse as the months passed; they just didn't realize how fast it would happen. Brian took Olivia's hand in his. He reached up and wiped the tears off her cheeks.

"You're strong, Olivia." His heart hurt. He wished more than anything Olivia would be okay.

Olivia shook her head. "Brian I am scared. I am going to die in a few months." She let out a sob.

Brian took Olivia in his arms and kissed her cheek. He hated this. He never knew what to say when she got like this. Brian stood up and took the album he and Olivia had created over the past three months. "Olivia. Look at this with me." He sat beside her and opened the photo album. Olivia laid her head on his shoulder and wrapped her arms around his waist.

The first picture was of them standing in front of the Eiffel tower in Paris. They both looked happy. The next few pages were pictures from their trip to Paris. Olivia pointed to the picture of her and Brian in Italy. "That's my favourite picture of us from all these trips."

Brian smiled. Their trip to Italy had been his favourite one so far. They had gone to Paris, Italy, Greece and England. They had also done a few little things like a few concerts, baseball games, tourist attractions; they were experiencing all that Olivia loved or had never done, and it made Brian happy to see Olivia happy.

Brian looked at Olivia. "You told me that you have one more thing on your bucket list. Can you tell me what it is now?"

Olivia smiled. "You really want to know?"

Brian chuckled. "Yeah."

Olivia closed the album and set it on the table beside the couch. "One of my favourite places I have ever been with you is the Bahamas. I want to go back. Except this time, I want my family, my work family, to be there. And this time I want to renew our vows."

Brian smiled; tears filled his eyes. "I love that idea."

Olivia nodded. "I already talked to my squad and some other friends. Cragen, Fin, and Alex are all set to go. The others have to stay. They can't get work off." Olivia was sad her other friends, who she would consider her family, couldn't go with them. She was grateful the four people she cared about most could go. Brian, Cragen, Fin, and Alex She wouldn't have it any other way.

Brian smiled. "When are we going?"

Olivia grinned. "In one month and three days."

Brian forced a smile. He was glad they were going, and that Olivia wanted to renew their vows; but she didn't know how Olivia would be feeling in a month. She was already beginning to feel sicker. He did not know how much worse it could be in a month.

Olivia stood up. "I am getting tired. Goodnight love." She kissed Brian softly and made her to bed. When Brian heard the door shut; he quickly grabbed the phone and dialed the number he rarely called. He only called this number when he really needed someone to talk to. These past few days Brian had been feeling sad. He already missed Olivia and she wasn't even gone yet.

"_Cragen." _

Brian sighed. "Hey Captain." Cragen hadn't been Brian's Captain for years; yet it would seem weird not to call him Captain.

"_Brian. What's wrong? Is everything okay with Olivia?" _

"I think she is okay. Today I came home and she was on the couch. She is getting stomach pains again."

Brian heard him sigh.

"It hit me, Captain. Olivia got really sick just after her stomach pains began. She is actually dying and I can't do a damn thing about it."

"_Brian, I know this is hard. But you have to be there and make the best." _

"Cragen I don't know anymore. This is really hitting me hard. I miss her. I miss the Olivia who could do things like walk down the street or walk across the apartment without losing her breath. I miss the Olivia who was dedicated to her job. I miss the Olivia who never gave much thought as to how she would die. I miss the Olivia told me her hopes for the future, not just that she hoped she doesn't die soon. I miss the way things were. I miss it so much. I miss things that I will never have now. Like a family. It breaks my heart to think Olivia will never be able to be a mom. It breaks my heart that I am going to have to live the rest of my life without her by my side."

Brian listened to silence. He knew Cragen didn't know what to say.

"Tonight she told me that in a month we were going to the Bahamas. To renew our vows. I cannot wait to do that with her. For her. But after seeing her cry in pain tonight, I don't know how she will be in a month. The cancer is really bad now. We just don't see how bad it actually is because she isn't getting the chemo. If I could make her take the chemo I would. But I can't."

"_Brian I wish more than anything that Olivia could be okay. I wish I could trade places with her. I don't know why things like this happen to good people. Olivia Cassidy did not deserve this. But everything happens for a reason. We may not understand that reason. We may never understand that reason. But if we make the best of what time we have left with Olivia, it will all be okay." _

Brian failed at holding back his tears. He quietly cried into the phone. "Thank you. I appreciate how much help you have been this past while. Thank you."

"_You're welcome Brian. Now go see your wife and tell her you love her." _

Brian chuckled softly. "I will. Bye." He hung up the phone and walked into the bedroom. Olivia was sitting up in bed crying.

"Olivia. What's wrong?" Brian rushed to her side and took her hand in his.

She pulled her hand out of his and crossed her arms. "I'm sorry I am not the person you wished I was. I am sorry that I chose death over pain. I am sorry that I am not what you want." Tears flowed down her cheeks. Brian looked down. She had heard him.

"Liv-"

"Stop," She cut him off. "I know you wish you didn't have to deal with me and my sickness. I know you wish that you could run. You want to run, but you feel bad. Brian if you want to leave just leave. Go. I don't care. I do not need your pity."

"Liv that's not what I meant. I miss the way things were. I do not want to leave you. I love you so much it hurts. I would do anything for you. Olivia I have no clue how I am going to live without you."

Olivia wiped her eyes. "I need to be alone." She whispered and looked down.

Brian wiped his own tears. "Okay. I'll sleep on the couch. But Liv, I love you. Don't think that I want to leave you. I never would. Ever. You are everything I could ever want."

Olivia shook her head. "Brian I need you to leave. I need to be alone for a while."

Brian turned to look at her. "You want me to leave you? I thought you were just mad because you didn't want me to leave."

"Brian I always wondered if you thought some of the things you said. And knowing what you really think about those things, hearing you actually say it, made me wonder if you wanted to leave me. Now I can't help but wonder if this is too much for you. If there is so much more that you aren't telling me."

"Olivia I am not going to lie. Ever since you got sick, it hasn't been easy for me. At all. I miss the way things were. I really do. There is a lot I wish for. But I do not want to leave you. I am so unbelievably proud of your decision not to get the chemo. It was a brave decision. A hard decision. And I am proud of you. So proud."

Olivia wiped her eyes. "Please just go. I will talk to you tomorrow."

Brian didn't say anything. He grabbed a bag and put some clothes and couple other things into it and walked to the bedroom door. "Night, Liv. I love you."

She didn't answer him. He looked at her one last time and opened the door and left; closing it behind him. He walked to his car and drove away from the apartment building. Brian's vision was blurred from the tears. He wished Olivia knew that he didn't mean it the way she thought he did. He wished she could understand that he did not want to leave her. Olivia misunderstood him; and he wished she could understand what he really meant.

The red light turned green and Brian started driving across the street. He saw the headlights coming beside him but it was too late for him to react. Metal hit metal and Brian was on the side the truck hit him on. His car flipped over and landed on the roof. Everything went black.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: I needed to update bc I just needed too. Please review! Thank you to all who have reviewed, it makes my day. I love getting feedback, good or bad.**

* * *

><p>Olivia woke up to the sound of someone banging on her door. She reached for her phone and saw 11 missed calls. Some from Cragen and some from Nick. She slowly stood up and grabbed her robe. She put it on and left the room pulling her oxygen tank behind her. She looked through to peephole on the door before unlocking it. It was Cragen and Nick. She unlocked the door and let them in.<p>

"What are you guys doing here? It's almost midnight." Olivia yawned and made her way into the living room.

"Olivia there was an accident." Cragen followed her into the living room and put a hand on her shoulder. She turned to face him, a puzzled look on her face. "Brian was in a car accident."

Olivia's eyes filled with tears and she covered her mouth. "Oh my gosh. Where is he? I need to go to the hospital."

Cragen nodded and he and Nick waited as she changed. They brought her down to the car and drove her to the hospital. Olivia cried the whole way there. As they were driving there, Olivia saw what used to be her and Brian's car. She gasped and put her hand on her forehead. The car was totaled. She wondered how anyone would be able to survive that.

When they arrived at the hospital Olivia hurried in; as fast as she possibly could. She went to the front desk and talked to the receptionist. "Brian Cassidy. I need to know how he is."

The receptionist instantly knew who she was talking about. "Mr. Cassidy was brought in about an hour and a half ago. He is still in surgery. I'll get his doctor to come to you as soon as they are finished."

Olivia nodded. She walked back into the waiting room and sat down next to Cragen and Nick. She closed her eyes and leaned her head against the wall; silently crying. "It's all my fault." She whispered and shook her head.

Nick and Cragen looked at each other; silently asking each other if they knew what she was talking about.

"What is your fault, Liv?" Nick leaned closer to her and took her hand.

She let out a quiet sob and gripped Nick's hand. "Yesterday I overheard him on the phone. He was saying how he basically wished I was someone else. He was wishing for things that he can't have. It hurt me. It made me wonder if-if he wants to leave me. I told him to leave for a while. He kept apologizing and telling me that isn't what he had meant. I didn't believe him. And now I know that he did not mean that. I feel so horrible."

"Olivia it is not your fault. You misunderstood him. It isn't your fault or Brian's fault. It's the drunk driver who ran the stop light. That is who is to blame." Nick looked into Olivia's sad eyes.

"If I had just believed him and hadn't accused him of wanting to leave or anything, this wouldn't have happened. What if he dies? It would be my fault." Olivia closed her eyes and put her head in her hands. She sobbed. Nick and Cragen rubbed her back; telling her it would be okay and that Brian would pull through.

* * *

><p>Three hours later the doctor finally entered the waiting room. "Family of Brian Cassidy?"<p>

Olivia shot up from her chair and hurried over to the doctor. "How is he? Is he okay?"

"Follow me to my office."

Olivia felt like she had hit a brick wall. _He is dead. Brian died. And it is all my fault. _

Olivia, Cragen and Nick sat in the office. The doctor sat in his chair and faced Olivia. "I will tell you this; Brian is a fighter. I wasn't positive he would make it. But he pulled through. He is in critical condition at the moment, but I am sure he will recover fully. He has a shattered leg; we had to put plates and pins in. He had multiple cuts and some were very deep, he needed a blood transfusion. He has several broken ribs, and a broken wrist. He did die once in the ambulance but we managed to save him."

Olivia nodded. "Can I see him?"

"Well-um," The doctor hesitated. "Brian hit his head several times, very hard each time. We aren't sure how bad his brain injury is. That's thing about brain injuries, you can't see some of the worst ones. As of right now Brian is in a coma. I can't say when he will wake up; that's up to Brian. When he does wake up he could be 100%. Or he could have brain damage, amnesia, or he could be blind. I really can't say."

Olivia choked back a sob. "I need to see him."

The doctor nodded and gestured for Olivia to follow. "For right now we only want one visitor at a time." Cragen and Nick nodded and headed back to the waiting room.

The doctor opened the door for Olivia. "Take as long as you need." Olivia thanked the doctor and walked to the chair beside Brian's bed.

Tears filled her eyes when she saw her husband. He had a heart monitor, oxygen tubes and an IV hooked up to him. There were a few other things Olivia didn't know what they were for. Brian's leg was in a cast and a splint around it; to prevent any movement at all. He had a cast on his arm, and he had stitches on his face. He was pretty much bruised all over. Olivia took Brian's un-injured hand in hers.

"Brian. I don't know if you can hear me, but I am so sorry. I know you would never leave me. I love you so much. Please, please don't leave me. I need you Brian. Please wake up, babe. I know you can do it."

Olivia looked at him. Nothing. She laid her head on the side of the bed and sobbed. She wished more than anything she could take it all back.

* * *

><p>"<em>Please wake up, babe. I know you can do it." <em>

_He wanted to answer her. He wanted to hug her and tell her he was okay. He wanted to say he was sorry for what he said. He wanted to wake up and save her from more pain. He couldn't wake up. He desperately tried to wake up; but he couldn't do it. _

"_Olivia I am sorry. I am fine. Really I am. If I could wake up I would. I love you so much." _

_He wished she could hear him. Olivia began to talk again. _

"_Brian I wish I could save you all this pain. Now I know how you feel. When the person you love most is facing death. I am so sorry you have to go through this pain every day. Brian I don't want to die. I want to live. I want to grow old with you. I want to have a family. I don't want to die, Brian." She started sobbing. _

_Brian wished he could hug her and tell her she was going to be just fine. He wanted to tell her that her pain would be over when she died. He was shocked she was saying this. She had never admitted her fear of dying. _

"_Brian what if you were right? What if I had taken the treatment and everything would be okay? What if I would be okay? I know it's not possible. The doctor said I wouldn't survive either way... Brian why did this have to happen to me? What did I do? I helped as many people as I possibly could; I risked my life for others. I didn't even have a chance to live my own life because I was too busy protecting others. And this is the thanks I get. Cancer. Death." _


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: I am thinking there will be two more chapters. I hope you all enjoy this update. Leave a review and I will update this weekend a couple times :) **

* * *

><p>Days went by and Brian was still in a coma. Olivia visited him every day; all day. Some days she stayed overnight in the hospital. But she had been feeling worse as the days passed. She asked the doctor every single day if there was any indication of when Brian could possibly wake up. Every day the answer was the same; <em>it's up to Brian.<em>

One day Olivia asked Brian if he was still there, her heart had just about popped out of her chest when Brian had slightly squeezed her hand. It gave her hope that he would wake soon. But that had been a week ago; everything is the same as it was before.

Olivia sat in silence in her usual seat beside Brian's bed. She held his hand. All Brian's physical injuries were either fully healed or almost healed. He leg was the only injury that would create problems in the future for him.

Olivia jumped as her phone started going off; taking her from her thoughts. She reached for her phone in her purse on the floor beside her oxygen tank. She breathed out sharply and quickly covered her mouth when she looked her phone. It was a reminder she had set a month and two days ago.

_Tomorrow you leave for the Bahamas with Brian 3 _

Tears flowed down her face. She had totally forgotten about their trip to the Bahamas. She had forgotten that they were going to renew their vows. She had forgotten that Alex, Cragen and Fin were going with them.

"Brian you need to wake up. Please. For me. We were supposed to go to the Bahamas today. We were going to renew our vows during the trip. When you wake up we will have to reschedule. Hopefully I will be healthy enough to go. Hopefully you will be healthy enough to go. The doctor did say everything looks good. Your leg is going to be the only pain for a while."

Olivia looked at Brian's face. There was nothing that showed that he was there at all. No facial movements. He looked the same as he did yesterday, last week and the very day he had been here.

"Brian. Please just give me a sign that you are here. I miss you so much." She held his hand lightly; hoping for him to squeeze it again.

Nothing.

Olivia stood. She wiped her eyes. "I need some air." She left the room and told the doctor she was just going for a walk and to come and get her if anything at all was to happen. The doctor nodded. Every day when Olivia left Brian's room; even if it was for two minutes; she told the doctor to come get her if anything at all happened. Of course, nothing ever did happen. Olivia still felt the need to tell the doctor. It gave herself hope that something might happen.

Olivia walked on the sidewalk in front of the hospital. She watched as people walked to and from the hospital doors. Some people leaving smiling, some crying. Some arrived crying, some arrived smiling. She wished she could be one arriving smiling. She wished even more she could be one leaving smiling. Her worst fear was that she would be the one to leave crying. She did most days. But she didn't want to leave really crying. Olivia was snapped from her thoughts when a nurse approached her in a rush.

"Brian is awake."

Olivia had no clue what to feel. She stood there in shock. _Was she serious? Brian is awake?! _

Olivia stood there; frozen. The nurse took her hand and gently pulled her back into the hospital and to Brian's room.

"Just wait here until the doctor finished with him." The nurse gestured to the chairs in the hallway outside his room. Olivia sat down. She couldn't stop shaking. He was finally awake. She stood to look into the window; desperate to see him. The blinds were closed. She sat back down. She took a deep breath. Brian was finally awake.

The door to his room opened and the doctor walked out. Olivia stood and walked to the doctor.

"How is he?"

The doctor smiled. "He seems to have no memory loss. No brain damage. Everything is perfectly fine. He is asking for you."

"Thank you. Thank you so much." Olivia walked past the doctor with tears falling down her face. She slowly opened the door and walked in; closing it behind her. She looked up and saw Brian sitting up in bed.

"Liv." His voice cracked. He was crying.

"I'm so sorry. I am so sorry this happened. It's all my fault. Bri please forgive me." Olivia walked to her usual spot and sat down, Brian taking her hands in his.

"Liv this is not your fault. Don't you dare blame yourself."

Olivia nodded through her tears. "I missed you so much. It was a long month." Olivia stood and hugged Brian as best she could. Brian kissed her cheek.

He nodded. He held her tighter. He was glad he was finally awake.

"When can you get out of here?" Olivia sat on the bed still holding Brian's hands.

"The doctor wants to keep me a few more days. He also wants to see how well I can walk. My leg was apparently shattered." He chuckled.

Olivia smiled. "I hope you can come home soon. I don't like waking up to your side of the bed empty."

Brian smiled. "I hope I can get home soon too."

Olivia turned away from Brian and began having a coughing fit. She had been having coughing fits almost twice a day. It was scaring her.

Brian looked at her with concern. "Olivia are you okay?"

Olivia turned to face him again. She nodded. "Yeah." Her voice was raspy.

"Liv, how have you been feeling? What has your doctor said?" His voice was filled with worry. Part of him didn't want to hear the answer.

Olivia sighed. "Not good Brian. I feel worse than I did a week ago. The doctor is thinking I am going to have to stay put soon. No more travelling." Olivia wiped her eyes. She hated this so much.

Brian's eyes filled with tears. "What about the Bahamas?"

Olivia shook her head. "It's not going to happen." Olivia took a deep breath. The one this she really wanted she couldn't get because she now too sick to travel.

Brian shook his head. "No. You need to go to the Bahamas with me. You need to. It was number one on your bucket list."

Olivia shook her head. "Brian truth be told I don't even feel up to going. I don't feel well at all anymore. I just want to sleep and relax. I am tired and my stomach hurts and I can never stop coughing."

Brian wiped his eyes. "If I would have just stayed in the apartment none of this would have happened. I am so sorry Liv."

"It's fine Brian. I am just so thankful that you are okay and awake."

"This isn't fine Olivia. I messed this up and I am going to fix it."

Olivia frowned. "Brian there is no way that I can travel. I can't. Even I am agreeing with the doctor on this one. It is not a good idea."

Brian frowned. "We will renew our vows though. And we will write them. And I will have it somewhere special. It may not be where we went on our first vacation together those few years ago, or our honeymoon place, but I am determined to make it just as special for you."

Olivia laughed lightly and wiped her eyes. "I love you."

"I love you too." Olivia leaned down and kissed him lightly.

Olivia sat and wondered what Brian would do to make this special. She knew that he had something up his sleeve. She just didn't know what.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: So there are two chapters left after this one and I have decided to upload all three today :) **

* * *

><p>A week later Brian was back home. He had to walk with crutches because his leg was giving him troubles still. He also had weekly physical therapy.<p>

Olivia's health had gone downhill faster in that week. She never wanted to do anything, she was always out of breath, and she slept most of the time. Brian was beginning to wonder if it was actually the cancer that was making her like this, or if she was depressed.

Brian slowly entered their dark bedroom to find Olivia lying on her side facing the wall.

"Liv? Are you okay?" Brian sat on the edge of the bed and propped his leg up with pillows.

Olivia sighed. "Brian I'm not in the mood to talk. I just want to be alone."

"Olivia you have wanted to be alone ever since I got home three days ago. You had been telling me how lonely you were and now you keep pushing me away. What is going on?"

Olivia started crying. "I don't know Brian. I just feel so tired and worn out. I am in pain. I just don't care anymore."

"Olivia, please talk to me." Brian had a feeling Olivia was depressed. He didn't want to say anything to upset her, but he knew she needed to talk to someone to feel better.

She shook her head and wrapped her arms around her stomach, attempting to relieve the pain.

"Olivia I am worried about you. You were never like this before."

"Damn it Brian! I wonder why you are worried about me. Oh wait! I do know! I am dying. I am depressed. I have less than two months of life left and I can't wait until they are over with. Just leave me alone. Get out!" Olivia's voice rose with every word she spoke.

Not wanting to make her even more upset Brian stood up and left the room. He knew that Olivia needed to talk to someone. He called someone he knew she trusted and that she would actually talk to.

An hour or so later Brian had just finished his lunch. He had tried to give Olivia some soup, but she had just completely ignored him.

There was a knock on the door and Brian was so thankful it was the person he had called to talk with Olivia. Brian opened the door and saw Dr. George Huang standing in front of him.

"Olivia is giving you a tough time huh?"

Brian frowned. "Yeah. It isn't her typical stubbornness though, George. I think she is depressed."

George frowned. "She probably is. Where is she?"

Brian pointed to their bedroom door just down the hall. "She hasn't left for three days. She hardly eats."

"I'll talk to you after I am done talking to her. Just stay out here." George stood in front of the door and waited for Brian to leave. Once he left George opened the door. The room was dark. From the light that came in when George opened the door, he could see Olivia's sick body curled up on her side facing the wall away from him.

"Hello Olivia."

Olivia tensed when she heard George. She knew Brian was worried about her, but she didn't know he was worried enough to call in a shrink.

"Can I turn the lights on Olivia?"

"No. Just leave them off." Olivia remained where she was. Her voice sounded tired, defeated even.

"Okay. Olivia, Brian called me because he is worried about you. He thinks you may be depressed."

"Well I am depressed."

"Do you want to talk about it?" George sat on the edge of the bed.

"Well I guess I am not really going to have a choice." Olivia sat up and faced George. He still couldn't see her face.

"Can I turn the lights on now?"

"Go ahead, you will do it anyway." Olivia leaned back into the bed, propping up the pillows so she was still somewhat sitting.

George stood and turned the light on. He turned and saw Olivia sitting against the pillows. She looked tired and sick. She looked like she was done with everything and everyone.

"Olivia, what's going through your head right now?"

Olivia shook her head. "Death."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Ever since I got sick death has always been on my mind. When I found out I was dying, death has never left my mind since. Then with Brian's accident and my health getting worse, death just seemed to be a much bigger picture that I never fully saw. Now I know I am going to die in less than two months. I am scared. Extremely scared. For many reasons. I feel like these past couple days death would be a blessing."

George sat beside Olivia. "Have you had suicidal thoughts, Olivia?"

Olivia's eyes filled with tears. She nodded. "I have thought about it. But I haven't done anything suicidal. I promise."

George nodded. "I believe you Olivia."

"I feel so guilty."

"Why?"

Olivia rubbed her temples. "I promised Brian we would make the best of everything before the time came. Now this time is upon us and I just stay in bed all day and cry for myself and think about death. I feel so bad."

"Olivia you don't have to feel bad. It isn't your fault that you got sick. It isn't your fault for anything that has happened this past year."

Olivia wiped her eyes. "Can you get Brian for me?"

George nodded and walked to the door. He walked out and found Brian in the living room. "Olivia wants you."

Brian smiled. He felt like he hadn't talked to his wife in days. He followed George into his bedroom and saw Olivia sitting in the bed.

"Hey." He walked over to her and sat beside her, taking her hand in his.

"I am sorry, Brian."

"What are you sorry for? You have done nothing wrong."

Olivia nodded through her tears. "Look at all the pain I have caused you all."

"Olivia that isn't your fault. It is absolutely not your fault."

"Brian. When you were in the hospital you said you were going to find a special way for us to renew our vows."

Brian smiled and nodded. "It is going to happen. Tomorrow. If I were you I would get writing."

Olivia laughed and hugged Brian. "I am sorry I have been like this the past few days. It's just hard, knowing that you will die soon."

Brian hugged her tighter. "I know, Liv. I know."

Olivia released Brian and looked at George. "Thank you for coming George. I know we didn't really talk much, but I do feel better. Just being able to get that off my shoulders made a huge difference."

"You're welcome, Liv. I hope you two have a good rest of the day, goodbye." George waved and let himself out.

"So tomorrow huh?" Olivia smirked. Brian lied down next to Olivia and held her in his arms.

"Yeah. It is going to be amazing, Liv." He kissed the top of her head. She had a scarf on still, but her hair had been growing back. It was still shorter than Brian's hair, but she did have a little bit of hair.

"Thank you Brian. For everything you have done for me."

"You don't have to thank me, Liv."

Olivia closed her eyes and fell asleep almost instantly. It was only 3:00 in the afternoon, but Olivia had been taking naps more often.

Feeling his eyes grow heavy, Brian soon fell asleep holding Olivia close.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: I bawled writing this chapter! Please leave a review :)**

* * *

><p>The next morning Olivia sat at the table finishing her vows. She read over them one last time and smiled. It was perfect.<p>

Brian entered from their bedroom. "I have some errands to run. Alex is coming to see you and then take you to the secret location. I will see you at three o' clock. Love you, beautiful." Brian kissed her quickly and then left before Olivia could say anything.

Olivia smiled. It was going to be a great day.

* * *

><p>About 20 minutes later, Alex let herself into the Cassidy apartment. She had tons of beauty products and a dress in plastic in her arms.<p>

"Olivia! It's Alex. Time to get beautified." Alex chuckled and hung the dress Brian had given her in the coat closet so Olivia wouldn't see it just yet. As Alex was walking into the bathroom she saw Olivia was already in there. Alex gasped and quickly put all the supplies on the counter. She kneeled next to Olivia on the floor beside the toilet.

"Olivia what happened?"

Olivia shook her head. "My stomach was really hurting this morning, and I felt really sick. I started vomiting everywhere. I couldn't stop. I started vomiting blood, Alex."

Alex turned pale. "Where were you first sick? I can go clean it up."

"In the bedroom." Olivia closed the lid on the toilet and leaned her head on it.

Alex stood up and went into the bedroom. She gagged when smelled the vomit. She went and got a garbage bag and put the blankets and sheets into it. She tied it shut and left it in a corner. She was going to throw them out. She got a pail of warm water and bleach and began cleaning the floor. She was thankful that Brian and Olivia had hardwood floors in their bedroom.

Finally Alex was finished. She walked back into the bathroom. Olivia was standing looking at the makeup.

"Did Brian ask you to do all this?"

Alex nodded. "He said and I quote, 'make Olivia feel beautiful.'".

Olivia laughed. She handed Alex the makeup bag. "I wish you luck, Alexandra Cabot."

* * *

><p>Two hours later, after restarting Olivia's makeup two times, she was finally finished. Olivia smiled when she saw her reflection. She actually did feel beautiful.<p>

"What am I going to wear, Alex?"

Alex smiled. "I have the perfect dress."

Alex left the room to retrieve the dress. She re-entered the room and unzipped the plastic around the dress. She pulled it out and both she and Olivia gasped.

The dress was beautiful. It was a light purple colour. It went right to the floor and it had a small train. There were not really any sparkles or accessories on the dress. It was plain. And Olivia loved it for that reason.

Alex helped Olivia put the dress on. Olivia felt tears in her eyes. Brian was doing all this for her. She felt so special.

"Olivia, you look absolutely gorgeous."

Olivia smiled. She looked in the mirror. There was one thing that was bothering her. She reached into the drawer on the counter and pulled out Brian's electric razor.

"Olivia. What are you doing?"

"The hair that has grown back is too short. It looks awful. I would rather have no hair at all than that thin old man hair."

Alex laughed at Olivia's response and watched as Olivia shaved her "thin old man hair" off. When she was finished she put the razor away and smiled. She finally felt comfortable not having any hair. Her bald head was a symbol that showed she was a fighter.

Alex looked at her watch. "We have to go."

Olivia nodded and started to leave the bathroom.

"Olivia. Wait, you forgot something." Alex picked up Olivia's scarf and handed it to her.

Olivia looked at the scarf in her hands and then looked at herself in the mirror. She shook her head and threw the scarf into the garbage. "I don't need it."

Alex was somewhat shocked, but also proud of Olivia's decision. Before they could leave Alex had strict orders from Brian to blindfold Olivia. Alex did as she was told and helped Olivia down to her car.

Twenty minutes later they arrived. Alex smiled at the sight she saw. "Okay Olivia. We are here."

"Can I take the blindfold off now?"

Alex chuckled. "Nope."

She helped Olivia out of the car. Olivia could hear leaves blowing in the breeze, she knew they had to be in central park.

Alex brought Olivia to where she was supposed to be and let go of her.

"Alex? Can I take the blindfold off now?"

"Go ahead." Brian stood in front of her.

Olivia smiled when she heard Brian's voice. She took her blindfold off and gasped at what she saw.

She and Brian were standing right in front of the park bench that Brian had proposed to her at. Standing behind them was Olivia's squad, all of her friends, like Elliot, Casey, George, and Melinda. They were all smiling. Standing behind the park bench was Judge Donnelly. She would be present when Brian and Olivia renewed their vows.

"Surprise." Brian whispered.

Olivia felt tears in her eyes. This was perfect. Better than a trip to the Bahamas.

"Let's carry on shall we? Olivia can you read your vows first please?" Judge Donnelly smiled at her.

Olivia nodded and pulled out her paper. "Brian. I don't even know what to say. I am so in love with you that I can't form words to write vows. It's impossible. This morning I sat writing this and it took me two hours. The best years of my life were the ones spent with you. I don't know how I got so lucky. To wake up to you every day is a blessing. To have someone who cares about you so much is amazing. Every time you kiss me or tell me you love me, I still feel the butterflies in my stomach. Just like it is the first time you ever said you love me. And that's what true love is. You find someone who truly completes you. It's the person who has the ability to make you feel beautiful; even if you are in a hospital bed dying of cancer. You know someone must love you when they go through anything just to make you happy. Brian, I would do anything to make you happy. And a part of me knows you would do that for me too. I am so fortunate to have been able to spend eight amazing years with you. You, Brian Cassidy, truly complete me. I will always love you, Brian. Even when I am not here, I will love you."

Brian smiled. A few tears trickled down his cheeks. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his paper.

"Olivia Badass Cassidy. When I first met you I thought you were stunning. I felt something that I had never felt before. I knew right then that you would be the woman I would fall in love with and marry. Honestly I think it was love at first sight. You always tell me that love at first sight doesn't exist. I don't mean to burst your bubble, but it is real. Because they second I laid eyes on you I was in love. Every time I look at you I fall in love again. Just like you said, I get butterflies. You, Olivia, are beautiful. Inside and out. I am so unbelievably thankful I could call you my wife all the years. Never in a million years did I think that I would get to marry someone like you. You are truly one of a kind Olivia. I love you so much that it hurts sometimes. I would go to the ends of the world for you. I love you. Olivia Cassidy I love you so much I could start crying right now. I don't really have anything else to say other than I love you. I could repeat that over and over and over. I never tell you I love often enough. It is actually hard to say how much I love you. When you love someone as much as I love you, it is very difficult to describe your love for that person. I will never ever stop loving you. Nothing can take away how I feel about you. Olivia I just want to thank you for what have been the best years of my life. If it wasn't for you I would probably be at a strip club right now. Olivia I love you. I said it again. I love you."

Olivia wrapped her arms around Brian's neck and kissed him passionately. All their friends clapped for them. Olivia pulled away and looked in Brian's eyes.

"Thank you for this."

"Thank you for giving me the best years of my life."


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Here it is, the last chapter. I cried writing this. SO MUCH. Please leave a review of the story or whatever. I would like to hear your feedback. I'll be starting another story in the near future, so watch out for that :) **

* * *

><p>A little over a month had passed since Brian and Olivia had renewed their vows. They had been spending as much time as they possibly could together. They both knew Olivia didn't have much time left. It scared them both to about it.<p>

Brian and Olivia were cuddling on the couch. They had been watching some movies they loved. Olivia had soon fallen asleep. She could barely stay awake anymore.

Olivia had told Brian about when she had thrown up all over the place. That had scared Brian. It had happened twice since that day. Both times resulted in Olivia being rushed to the hospital. The doctor had tried to tell them in the nicest way possible that this meant the cancer was very bad. Of course, Olivia already knew that.

Brian gently rubbed Olivia's arm as she slept. He knew she was in pain all the time now. It upset him to know that she was. He wished he could help her, but in actuality all he could do was try to make her as comfortable as possible.

Later that night, Brian had carried Olivia into their bedroom. He laid her on the bed and adjusted her oxygen tank. Once everything was set he crawled into the bed and soon fell asleep.

In the middle of the night Brian woke up to Olivia crying.

"Liv, what's wrong?"

"I am in so much pain, Brian. It is getting harder to breathe." Olivia sobbed and began gasping for air.

"Olivia, just calm down. Just stay calm okay? I am going to call for help."

Olivia shook her head. "No Brian. I don't want to die in the hospital."

Brian's eyes instantly filled with tears. She feels like she is dying right now.

"Just let me call your Captain. He will want to see you."

Olivia nodded and cried out. She knew she was dying. She was in so much pain.

A half an hour later Fin and Cragen walked in. Olivia was half asleep half awake.

"Hey babygirl. We are right here." Fin kneeled on the floor beside where Olivia was lying.

Brian sat on the bed next to Olivia, holding her in his arms. She was so weak and in pain. Brian's tears never stopped.

Olivia gasped again and cried out.

She looked at Cragen with her weak eyes. The fire that was usually in Olivia's eyes was burning out. Cragen could see it. Tears flowed down Cragen's cheeks. This was it. Olivia was dying right in front of him. The woman who saved countless lives was losing hers. The world would never be the same.

"Captain." Olivia's voice was a whisper. She could hardly speak.

"What is it Liv?"

"Thank you for teaching me so much all these years. I am grateful for that. Now listen, when you go to work on Monday, I don't want my desk decorated as a tribute to me. I don't want that. I want you guys to do what you normally do. There are people who need saving and you guys can't slack off. You tell the others I said this. No slacking off. Ask them this, what would Olivia do?"

Cragen chuckled through his tears. The Olivia he knew was still there.

"Olivia you are strong. I will miss you so so much."

Olivia nodded. "Me too."

"Fin. You keep Amaro and Rollins in line. I haven't worked with you guys for a year, but I know what Amaro is like after something bad happens to someone he knows. Don't let him get himself into trouble. And keep Amanda in line too. She has her moments. Fin, I love you like a brother. Please move on. Don't stay in the past and mourn. Go and live your life. I didn't do that and I regret it so much now. Find you happiness Fin."

"Got it babygirl." Fin held Olivia's hand in his and kissed it.

Olivia felt another pain and groaned. Brian kissed her cheek and whispered into her ear that it was okay, that she could let go now.

Olivia looked up at Brian. "I'm going to miss you." She couldn't stop her tears. Her she was, dying in her own home and saying goodbye to her husband, her co-worker and her boss. She loved them all.

"I love you, Liv. Never forget that." Brian held her tighter. Part of him didn't want her to let go. He knew she is in intense pain. He wanted her to let go and be pain free.

"Brian, I love you so much. I always will. I will always be with you. Remember that."

Brian nodded as Olivia fought to keep her eyes open. He knew she was scared that if she closed them she would never open them again. He was scared of that possibility too.

* * *

><p>Olivia Cassidy died on September 5th at 3:07 am. She died in her husband's arms and was surrounded by the three people that she loved the most.<p>

It was the day of Olivia's funeral. Brian was in his uniform, sitting in the back of the church. He had not stopped crying since he saw Olivia take her last breath. She was really gone. And he could never get her back.

The funeral began. Many officers had shown up. Some who didn't even know Olivia. She was just well known and respected.

Captain Cragen was the first to speak. He was almost finished his speech before he broke down and had to stop. Alex Cabot spoke next. She cried the whole time.

Finally Brian stood up to speak.

"Detective Olivia Cassidy was more than a woman who saved lives and was dedicated to the job. Olivia was funny, and outgoing and loved doing new things. You all know Detective Cassidy. But lots of you don't know the real Olivia Cassidy. She was different than the detective. She knew how to have fun. That's what I loved about her. She was open to trying anything. Like when we were in the Bahamas a few years ago, she must have tried every sea food. She probably ate almost all the creatures in the ocean. Of course she hated all of them, but she wanted to try it. Olivia was the most amazing woman I know. I will forever love Olivia Cassidy."

Brian had more he wanted to say but he knew if he continued he would break down.

Finally the funeral was over. Olivia's squad carried her casket out of the church and lifted it into the back of the vehicle that would carry her to her burial.

Brian stood next to Cragen and Fin. They had taken Olivia's death the hardest out of everyone there. Brian was in his own world. He was not paying any attention to what anyone was saying. He didn't even know who was talking at the moment.

Brian felt Cragen's hand on his shoulder. He looked up; everyone was walking back to their vehicles.

"Let's go, Brian."

Brian shook his head. "I need to be alone for a minute."

Cragen nodded in understanding.

Brian looked down at Olivia's casket in the grave. Tears filled his eyes. He fell to his knees.

"Olivia this is so damn hard. I knew it would be hard, but this-this is painfully hard. It's been three days. Three long days and I am struggling. I promised you that I would move on. I will. But right now I just need time. It will take a while. I promise you I will move on. I miss you. I miss you so much. I wish you could be here right now. I could really use one of your hugs. I won't be able to visit you every day, but I will be here as often as I can. That I can promise you. I can't go more than three days without talking to you. I better go though, Cragen is waiting for me. I love you Liv. Rest easy."

Brian slowly stood up and looked into the ground again. That was the last glimpse he would get of Olivia's casket. He looked at her headstone. There was a space beside her name and date of birth and date of death for his. They would be together forever.

The love that Brian and Olivia had for one another was indescribable, but those who were fortunate enough to see their love knew they had witnessed something beautiful.


End file.
